Maybe it was cold recovery, work stresses, and irritation that I couldn't accomplish much else with those two things.
Then Alicia at Jaybird posted wonderful thoughts on much of how I'd been feeling.
It wasn't the blues so much as being pelted with lemons for days. More like pummeled. And being sick, exhausted and stressed wasn't making me the strongest self to take it.
I love what I do, love it. In college, I was known as "newspaper girl." A good friend once warned me about being married to my job and I took that to heart, and after some time away from newspapers and coming back, I realized that I get sucked into most any work I do, but journalism is a part of me. A huge part.
The last two weeks, I felt like a human punching bag. It's easy to take pot shots at the reporter who has to sift through all the nonsense to make sense of it for the masses, but apparently, those people forget that the reporter is human too. I've seen a few of these people enraged that someone was mean to them, or mispronounced their name, but when they do the same things to me, I don't get to go off the rails about it. I get to smile and nod and go about my work. Most of the time, I let it slide right off, but every now and then, it gets to me.
I've heard the same advice from several people and it goes something like this: "Don't care so much."
Here's the thing. I care. A lot. I am hugely passionate about what I do. Otherwise, I wouldn't do it. My mom worries about me because there was a time when I had 3 jobs in 3 years. The jobs were making me nuts. It wasn't working. So I quit. Some might say it speaks to commitment issues, but when I'm in, I'm all in. I think it says more about my unwillingness to spend any more time than necessary on things that make me miserable and affect little to no change in the world.
This year has been full of change, major change and as well as I'd like to think I'm taking it, there are days when I just cannot get my bearings and the last two weeks were full of those days. At one point, I was sobbing and saying "I just want someone to be on my side." Can't say poor boyfriend really understood what was happening, but bless him for stopping everything he was doing and saying "Tell me all about it." I do not like to cry. I hate to lose it. So when I am losing it, it's a rare occurrence meaning something is wrong .
Then I was beating myself up for taking it all so personally. So of course I would come across this post from Lauren Caselli. I'm stoked to have found her in the blogger world since she's another "come here" in Montana. Basically, she's talking about how to handle major life change and the big three are moving, changing relationship status and changing jobs. She recommends not doing more than one at a time. I kind of did all three this year. I left my home of Virginia, again, and moved to Montana to move in with the long-distance boyfriend and changed jobs, again. And then we bought a house. Mostly, it's been great, but I think sometimes I forget that I can cut myself some slack every now and then when I feel unsettled. When everything is changing around you, sometimes it's hard to find your balance and stay calm.
I had picked a different quote for this #motivationmonday, but then saw a friend post this quote this morning. Always a fan of Dr. Seuss, this one seemed fitting. Despite tough days of feeling unsettled, it's entirely up to me to make my own path. I've always trusted my gut, gone big and blazed a trail versus following the path (Ralph Waldo Emerson fan here too). People can take their punches and I'll continue to choose my battles wisely and let the rest sail by. There will probably be more days when I straight up lose it, but those days are few and far between and really, we're all allowed a good cry from time to time.